


And I wonder if I ever cross your mind (for me it happens all the time)

by manny_luthordanvers7



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Another song fic, F/F, Kara and Lena need hugs, They are both chaotic gays, they just need to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21806911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manny_luthordanvers7/pseuds/manny_luthordanvers7
Summary: Kara has too much to say to Lena and can't deal with being afraid, when her fear is what got her in this situation. So she flies to Lena's penthouse and they talk.Or this is how s5ep8 should've ended in the author's opinion.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 19
Kudos: 269
Collections: Shots and songs 1





	And I wonder if I ever cross your mind (for me it happens all the time)

**Author's Note:**

> Ooooomg guess who's back?? Please enjoy, forgive any typos, comment and give kudos, they mean everything to me. 
> 
> You can find me on Twitter as @luthor_danvers7, feel free to DM me, follow me or whatever. 
> 
> Good read!

After declining Alex's invite to sushi, Kara went to her own apartment, not knowing anywhere else to go to. She put on comfortable clothes and sat down in the sofa. She wondered about everything that is going on between her and Lena, and she missed the brunette, so much. It had been only hours since she was physically close to the brunette for the last time, and yet it felt like torture to have seen her and not being able to touch her. 

She was hurting, really. It was all her fault, all of this was happening because of her. She was hurting and she was the one to blame for that, she was the one that hurt Lena like that. 

Normally, she'd be drowning herself in ice cream or pot stickers, the only things that can make her feel better. But not today, nothing can make her feel less miserable. Only Lena could. But Kara messed everything. 

She started to remember all those precious moments that she shared with her favorite person (besides Alex), the hugs that they shared, the green in Lena's eyes, how it felt to hold her in her arms. 

No, she isn't oblivious to her feelings like you may think. After a while it became impossible to ignore the way that her heart rushed at the simple thought of Lena, or the way that she felt so anxious around her that her appetite got smaller, how sweaty her hands would get, or how worried she got whenever Lena was in danger. 

She realized the true nature of her feelings in a normal wednesday, just like any other. Nothing special was going on, she was simply supposed to meet up with Lena for lunch. But that day, as she waited for the elevator to reach the CEO's floor, her heart was beating faster than normally, her feet were uneasy, and as she looked at Lena and the brunette smiled as she saw her, Kara thought 'oh Rao, I love her'. And it was just like that. I'd like to say that she got awkward after her realisation, but she wondered about it for a while, and it was, honestly, inevitable. How could she prevent herself for falling for someone like Lena? The brunette came in and stole Kara's heart as if it was an everyday happening. Kara didn't know anything else when it came to Lena besides loving her. It's all that she's been doing since she met her. So it was normal, like every other day, although now she was able to put a name to her feelings, and embrace them. 

(She was finally able to tell her journal what was the weird feeling that she got whenever Lena smiled.) 

She didn't tell Alex, or any one else, because she thought that they would realize it on their own. And because she was kinda afraid to say it out loud. 

On the couch, she hugged her legs and let her tears fall from her eyes. She looked around and her eyes fell on the picture laying in the little table beside her. In there, her brunette smiled softly while hugging Kara, and the blonde remembered asking Alex to let her take a picture of only her and the CEO. She remembered how Nia lifted her eyebrow at that and how J'ohn rolled his eyes. It was always like this, always Lena and Kara, only. He refused to, but he could bet that if he read their minds the only thing in there would be the other. Since she met the Luthor, Kara never talked about anything else. It was kinda cute, though. 

The reporter grabbed the picture and looked at it, her heart clenched, and she wanted to fly directly to Lena's penthouse, and hold her until she forgives the blonde. 

It only started, but she already wanted their fight to be over. 

And to think that she was about to confess her love for Lena in the Fortress of Solitude. She was so close, and now she had nothing. 

Maybe she deserved it. For thinking that she could have it all, have her family safe, have Lena as a best friend even after the reveal, and wanting to have her as something more. No, she was being way too selfish now, and the world decided to punish her for it. It was her fault, after all. 

But she still wondered. If Lena did all of this is because she still cares. She disarmed those kryptonite canons, she called her Kara (that's very important.), she listened for a while. Lena must be thinking that she agreed with Alex, that she willingly betrayed her again so they could take her down. What if Lena was thinking about her right now, just like she is thinking about the brunette? 

She has an awesome self-control, but now it seems impossible to stop herself. She's going to fix this, she's not leaving Lena alone, ever. So she doesn't even spare a glance to her suit, and flies out the window towards Lena's place in her pajamas. 

\------

All the while, across the city, Lena's in her penthouse, late at night. She changed from her previous clothes, but still stood in business adjournment, if anyone busted her house to arrest her, she'd be at least pretty. 

But who is she trying to trick? She's doing it because she can't stop thinking about Kara, and deep down she wishes the blonde will show up outside her balcony and hug her. She can't help but miss having Kara close. 

She sighs deeply, and goes to pour herself a shot of whisky. Next to her bar she sees a picture, and flashes flow through her mind. It was a picture of her and Kara (the same one that the blonde still holds in her hand as she flies through National City's sky). Her heart ache a little more. She grabs the picture and the cup, and goes to stand next to the balcony door. She watches closely the way that her own smile seems so genuine, not as wild as Kara's, but just as genuine. She had never been the type to allow herself to feel, and to talk about feelings, these things simply weren't for Luthors. But she guesses her last name didn't matter for the blonde when it came to this. The blonde made her feel things she never thought that she could feel, and at an intensity that knocked her out her feet and made her blind. 

She knows she's been in love with Kara for a good while now. She knew about the crush she had for the blonde since their first encounter, but her love only made itself known in that Christmas, the one with Sam. The blonde looked so gorgeous, and she was saying such beautiful things while looking at Lena, that the brunette allowed herself to get some hopes high. And as she was making her own speech the only phrase that kept touching Lena's tongue, wanting to get out as she looked at Kara, was 'I love you, I love you'. It was an almost, and since then the number of times these words almost escaped her lips was huge. Besides, of course, everything that she did for the blonde (like buying a motherfucking enterprise for her 'best friend') and all the other clear signs, that day she was finally able to admit it to herself that she loved her best friend as more than just a friend. 

She cried over it, accepted that she would never be with the blonde, and gave James a chance (she still regrets it so much). 

Last months though, she was willing to give it a shot and maybe say the three words to the blonde. A betrayal messed her plans, as expected. 

But she can't help it. She forgot what it was like to not have Kara in her life, what it was like to not be in love with her. Kara gave her everything she thought she could never have. 

She knew that the secret was a low punch, that it hurt too much. Every sign pointed to a betrayal, telling her that they only wanted her close to take advantage of her.Telling her that every moment of their friendship was a lie, that she was fooled again. 

But then... Why did Kara gave her the watch? Why does Kara worry so much about her? Because, if she didn't care, she wouldn't have saved Lena in that plane, or from Reign, she wouldn't have put her identity at risk to keep Lena safe. She sounded genuinely hurt. 

And she allows herself to want the blonde close again. To wish that the hero would come sweeping in the way she did before and hug her. 

Now that she said everything that she kept inside of her for so long, the rage in her heart has become smaller. And she knows that when the pain and anger are gone, she's going to feel nothing. Just like three years ago, a vague feeling in her chest. Like something is missing. 

And she guesses she rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all.

She wishes that Kara hasn't given up on her yet, that the stubborn blonde still wants to make things up, because maybe she will have a good explanation to keep her identity a secret, and maybe Lena will understand her and be willing to start forgiving her. Call her a clown or whatever, she can't help needing Kara. 

Her thoughts are interrupted as the hero that has taken over her life shows up outside her balcony, dressed in pajamas and looking like she was just crying. 

Lena's heart rushes and she debates whether she should feel grateful that the blonde is here after everything, or if she should feel cursed that her wish became true. 

Kara lands in the balcony and the CEO steps next to her in there. Both looking at each other's eyes, so many unspoken words and hidden feelings making themselves known through the conversation that their eyes are having. 

Kara steps closer and her breath gets caught in her lungs at how pretty Lena is. 

The brunette may be missing her, but she is also very, very stubborn, and she won't stand down just like that. "What are you doing here? " She rudely asks. 

Those words hurt the hero a little more, but she doesn't show it. "I'm here to fix this"

"There's nothing to be fixed between us anymore, Supergirl. " 

"No, you're wrong. " She says and Lena lifts an eyebrow, "I know that you still care about me, and I know that you're hurting. And I never got to fully explain myself. It doesn't matter how much you try, I'll never give up on you. " She's eager, and she's angry because she never had the courage to face everything. To face her own feelings, to admit her mistakes. She was scared and that made her lose Lena, and she's not going to let her fears control her anymore. 

"You have nothing to explain to me, your words mean nothing, Kara. You lied to me because just like everyone else you don't trust me. Spare me the lies." Lena spits these words out. She can't let herself go back to the blonde, just so she can be hurt another time. 

" Listen to me, please. You don't have to forgive me just yet, but just listen to me. " Lena decided to do that, even if every word was a lie, she got to be close to Kara for a little more. The blonde breathed in as Lena hesitated, and started. "I lost everything, my world, my family, my friends, everyone I loved. I was sent to a place that I didn't know, with a responsibility that wasn't mine. I watched as everything I knew exploded right in front of my eyes, and then I got trapped in the phantom Zone for twenty four years, which made me claustrophobic and anxious. I was adopted by the Danvers, and all the time I had people tell me that I should hide my true identity, because it could put the people I love in danger." She ran a hand over her hair, "you don't have idea how many times Alex was hurt because of me, because of who I am. Last year J'ohn even wiped her mind so she could be safer. And the only reason she got her memories back was because she saw me kind of die. " 

Lena had no way of knowing this, but yet she feels guilty. Maybe she should've heard Kara from the start. She had been through so much. And that also explains why Alex hated Supergirl last year (she wasn't lying just to fool the CEO, after all). Also, what does she mean with 'kind of die'???

"I am constantly ready to fight, I have to be. The world depends on me, I have to protect every one. I keep so much anger inside of me, because I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I was selfish when I kept my secret from you, but I couldn't help it. Everyone sees me as the symbol I carry on my chest, everyone knows me as either the hero, or the poor reporter. But you didn't, you knew me as just Kara and you loved me like that, and you kept me on the ground. You reminded me every day that I could do it, that I can be strong enough to not let my past get the best of me, I can be more than people expect of me. And I was wrong, it was my biggest mistake. I thought that I was protecting you, but I was protecting myself. I I was weak, but I also did it out of love for you, as fucked up as it sounds. I fell in love with you, and I thought that I had a chance with you, and I knew that you would hate me once you found out, so I tried to protect myself from the pain. That day on the Fortress I was ready to confess it for you, because you already knew about my true identity and yet decided to stay by my side. " She breathed deeply, running another hand through her hair, "There's nothing that will erase the mistakes I've done, and I know it. No explanation will make what I did to you hurt less, and it kills me. But I need you to know that there wasn't a moment in our friendship that I didn't care for you, that I didn't love you. I'm sorry " She says at last, and Lena can't believe her feelings were reciprocated. And how fucked up everything is. 

Of course Lex would do anything to make her believe that Kara hated her, and didn't trust her. She is so used to people hurting her on purpose that it was the first thing that came to her mind. Besides, she has to admit that she put Kara in some kind of pedestal, as the person who would never hurt her, who would never be wrong, and she forgot that the blonde is just as flawed as herself, has just as many scars. 

She felt as a tears fell down her cheek, and breathed in weakly. "What makes it hurt more is that I told you so many times how much I've been hurt by betrayals, I told you how it hurt and yet you did it. You should've been honest with me from the start, if you believed in me. " She wiped the tears from her cheeks and eyes. 

Kara's gaze fell to the floor as she felt ashamed, "I know. At the start I told myself that it would put you in danger, you know, knowing my identity. And then, so many things were happening at once, I didn't want to put such a weight on your shoulders. Then I knew how much it would hurt you, and I wanted to spare you the pain for a little longer. And though these reasons aren't exactly lies, they're not the whole truth. I was just selfish and scared of losing you, I was a coward. Like I said, I was trying to protect myself more than I was trying to protect you. "

Silence fell upon them for a while as both digested everything that happened. Lena finally sighed, feeling exhausted, "I need to know if everthing that you're telling me is real. I don't know if I can take another lie. " She says. 

"Kara steps closer to the brunette, and grabs her hand. The hero puts Lena's hand on her chest, right above her heart and right where the S symbol rests when she wears her suit, " Do you feel it? " She asks Lena, her heart is rushing inside her chest, in a strong intensity. The CEO looks at her own hand, feeling the strong and fast beats against her palm. "I swear to you, I am being honest. I love you like I never loved anyone before. "

Lena visibly melts a little, she looks at Kara's eyes and nods, "I love you too" She softly says. The reporter smiles and pulls the other woman even closer, embracing her, and Lena let her do it, circling her arms around her torso, and resting her head in her shoulder. 

They stay like that for a while, enjoying being close to each other, until Lena says, "I'm ready to start to forgive you. You know it will take a while for it to stop hurting. But I want to do it. " While her head still rests in the same place. 

"I will wait as long as you need. " Kara simply says.


End file.
